9.25.2007

Farewell My Daughters


Let the words of another say what I want to express:
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Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)
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Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
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If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
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The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
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I will dispense this advice now.
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Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
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You are NOT as fat as you imagine.
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Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
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Do one thing every day that scares you.
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Sing.
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Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
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Floss.
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Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
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Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
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Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
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Stretch.
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Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
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Get plenty of calcium.
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Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
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Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
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Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
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Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
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Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
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Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
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Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
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Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
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Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
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Travel.
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Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
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Respect your elders.
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Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
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Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
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But trust me on the sunscreen.
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Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune
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Finally Final Tumblebugs

I thought there was none but there was more:
1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
2. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
3. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
4. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
5. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
6. Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
7. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
8. All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
9. If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use looking like a fool.
10. Never ever make absolute unconditional statements.
11. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
12. If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
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9.21.2007

Unholy Books

Works that will never get published due to religious controversy:
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1. The God-idea and Christian Utopic Delusions
2. Knowing God's Will: Evangelical Dementia
3. Ye of Little Faith: A Survey of Christian Low Self-Esteem Since 33A.D.
4. As the Spirit Leads: How to Manipulate Others in God's Name
5. The Invisible God: Where is He When You Need Him?
6. How to Misread the Bible Without Even Trying
7. Common Ignorance: The Bible and Its Readers
8. Single By Salary: Why Ministers Should Not Fall in Love
9. Goddess Worship: Evangelical Alternative to Mariology (Why Have One When You Can Have Them All?)
10. Elvis in Heaven: Salvation Through the King
11. God Spoke to Me: Who Needs the Bible Anyway?
12. God Spoke to Me (Part 2): Persuading Someone to Marry You
13. Chrisitian Celebrities: We Are More Popular Than Jesus
14. Bless Me: Holy Materialism in Today's Church
15. How to Lose Your Salvation in Three Easy Ways
16. God Gave Me Two Cars and A Rolex and Other Common Mega Church Testimonies
17. Go To Hell: Straightforward Evangelism Methods
18. The Devil Made Me Do It: How To Defend Yourself On Judgement Day
19. Jesus the Wine-Maker: Study of the Cana Wedding Drinking Spree Incident (John 2)
20. Jesus Ain't Coming Back (Advanced Sunday School Lessons)
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9.14.2007

Ninja Party

The following can be found in The Official Ninja Website:
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Facts:
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1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
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Testimonial:
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Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
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And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.
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Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).
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Q and A:
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Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about ninjas?
A: Ninjas are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don't give a crap, but on the other hand, ninjas are very careful and precise.
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Q: I heard that ninjas are always cruel or mean. What's their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.
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Q: What do ninjas do when they're not cutting off heads or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don't believe me.)
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If you're a ninja fanatic or you have nothing else to do, just click the link (The Official Ninja Website) under MeLAUGHs.
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9.13.2007

More Tumblebugs

Here's part 2 of the Tumblebugs Philosophy (I didn't know there were more):
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1. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
2. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without you help.
3. Sometimes speed is the way to win (especially later on).
4. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
5. Everything takes longer than you think it will.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
8. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
9. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
10. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
11. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
12. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
13. Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
14. Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
15. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
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9.09.2007

Wittgenstein's Surprise

When I came home
I expected a surprise
and there was no surprise for me,
so,
of course,
I was surprised.
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Ludwig Wittgenstein
(1889-1951)
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9.06.2007

I Was Only Joking

Ever since I was a kid at school
I messed around with all the rules
Apologized then realized
I'm not different after all
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Me and the boys thought we had it sussed
Valentinos all of us
My dad said we looked ridiculous
But boy we broke some hearts
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In and out of jobs, running free
Waging war with society
Dumb blank faces stare back at me
But nothing ever changed
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Promises made in the heat of the night
Creeping home before it got to light
I wasted all that precious time
and blamed it on the wine
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I was only joking my dear
Looking for a way to hide my fear
What kind of fool was I
I could never win
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Never found a compromise
Collected lovers like butterflies
Illusions of that grand first prize
are slowly wearing thin
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Suzie baby you were good to me
Giving love unselfishly
But you took it all too seriously
I guess it had to end
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Now you ask me if I'm sincere
That's the question that I always fear
Verse seven is never clear
But I'll tell you what you want to hear
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I try to give you all you want
But giving love is not my strongest point
If that's the case it's pointless going on
I'd rather be alone
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'Cause what I'm doing must be wrong
Pouring my heart out in a song
Owning up for prosperity
For the whole damn world to see
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Quietly now while I turn a page
Act one is over without costume change
The principal would like to leave the stage
The crowd don't understand
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by
Rod Stewart
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Tumblebugs Philosophy

There's this computer game called Tumblebugs wherein you rescue bugs from slavery. It's a very cute and colorful game. After each stage, a "tip" box appears. But instead of showing tips about the game, it features sayings which are, let's call it, twisted (but funny and true at the same time). Let's get it on!
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1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
2. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
3. Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.
4. You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
5. A photographic memory is no use if it's never developed.
6. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
7. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
8. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
9. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it bothers the pig.
10. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
13. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
14. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
15. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
16. Everything your mother ever warned you about is true.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
19. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
20. If you look like your passport photo, you're not well enough to travel.
21. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
22. Sometimes thought and planning are the way to go (especially early on).
23. A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
24. A bit of hardwork never killed anyone - but why risk it?
25. The glass is either half full, half empty, or twice as big as it needs to be.
26. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
27. If you want your spouse to pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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9.04.2007

Talkin' To Me?

I am God's lonely man.
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Travis Bickle
Taxi Driver
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